Mike Kirchner, the man behind Corporal Kirchner, has - happily - been located alive and well following reports of his death on WWE.com. SLAM! Wrestling tracked-down the man behind the Sgt. Slaughter-inspired gimmick in the late 80s World Wrestling Federation while performing his present day job of cross-country delivery driver. “I’m still alive and well, and thanks for everybody’s concern. I’m doing well, and I’m happy and life is good.” How the name Thomas Spear came to be associated with Kirchner is a mystery, but the notice was removed off the WWE website following a call to their offices from Kirchner’s mother. She had been receiving condolences from friends - and immediately set-out to set the record straight. “Them publishing my death is beyond me,” added the Corporal. “I had calls from my family that notified me, asking me about it. I have no idea where this came from. This was a shocker to me. I haven’t even been sick lately. It’s pretty bizarre seeing your own eulogy sometimes, or hearing about. People called me all day yesterday. ‘Are you alright?’ I’d say, ‘If I wasn’t, then how could I answer the phone? What, I’m going to resurrect for you? Yeah, I’m dead but for you, I’ll answer the phone.’ It’s pretty about that. I don’t know where the story even came from.” Nice to see a happy ending in one of these usually sad tales, instead of sitting here today trying to figure out how men 46-year-old drop-dead of “natural causes” as was reported. The Corporal’s still with us, fans. God Bless America! Don’tcha just feel a little safer?!

- Mr. Mal Occhio
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