Warrior hypes fight of the flash-in-the-pans
By Mr. Mal Occhio
The always offbeat Ultimate Warrior is pounding his chest again with yet another commentary on his website, hyping the moneymaking potential of a match between himself and Goldberg for TNA (as the wrestling world issues a collective yawn).
Apparently no one has the heart to tell the Warrior that – in today’s wrestling market – you could roll the former Jim Hellwig around in fecal matter and he wouldn’t draw flies, let alone pull people in on a PPV to see him work a match.
“Frankly, what they should do, if they want to be competitive (there’s that nasty blood, sweat and tears word again), is sell some of those construction materials Daddy Jarrett has laying around, and put up the financing to bring in Goldberg and Ultimate Warrior and let us try to beat the intensity out of one another,” states Warrior in his latest rant. “Now there’s an idea — an attention getting one, and a money making one.”
Mr. Mal Occhio wonders what year the Warrior thinks this is, really? Hell – Mr. Mal Occhio wonders what color the sky is in the world of the Warrior. “Let the hardcore, natural intensity rip. Let both of us take our mischaracterized heads halfway out of our asses, just enough for us to be businessmen capable of discussing the serious potential success yet not enough to defuse a competitive grudge, and let the serious and creative thinkers at TNA, those without an agenda or envy problem, work out a program.”Here’s one possible program suggestion: How about both men together in one of those six-sided TNA rings, dousing everything with gasoline, and then lighting the thing on fire? Voila: three less things the wrestling world has to worry about.At this point, one would even have to question the drawing power of Goldberg (against even a semi-relevant performer) let alone going up against the Ultimate Warrior. This former no-sell WCW champion - pushed to the moon in an 80’s-style Superman-gimmick ala the Road Warriors or the late, great Bruiser Brody - has worked only sporadically in the last few years (mostly in Japan) since leaving the WWE, and is sure to have suffered some from the lack of exposure. Sure, Goldberg had a good thing going for himself in WCW during “the streak” but – let’s be honest – who couldn’t get over with that type of push? Substitute current WWE up-and-comer Bobby Lashley into that gimmick, insert more than 150 wins over anyone the booking committee wished to sacrifice and – presto – instant Goldberg ala Lashley.In fact, the more Mr. Mal Occhio ponders it, the more he wants to see it: both men, neither having much talent inside the ring, both trying to politically maneuver themselves backstage as the one who should go over. As a reality show? Yes. As a match? I’d sooner get hyped for a return of Hillbilly Jim.“Of course, as I hinted at, it won’t be inexpensive. Goldberg has an agent and has to give him a cut. I’m my own and I charge even more. The bigger obstacle, and definitely the one that has us both the most hated in the industry, is that we are strong individualists who don’t need, or even necessarily want, to be in the business and can get along having great lives without it.”Outstanding, Warrior. Do wrestling fans a favor and continue to have that great life of yours, away from pro wrestling, living off your ever-fading ghost of yesteryear.Mr. Mal Occhio is instead pushing for a Warrior and the Giant Gonzales match: That way they could relive their former WWF gimmicks by having the world’s first “Air-brushed Muscle Outfit match” where the loser would get to rip off the other’s ridiculously-absurd faux muscular physique outfit (back when Warrior reportedly got off the juice for a time and shrunk to nearly Harvey Whippleman proportions) revealing the other as the true sham they really are.
Warrior’s brief run on top of the wrestling world for more than fifteen years or so ago – the sad return to the spotlight in WCW back in the later 90’s showed him to be nothing more than a sham. In fact, all that run did was contribute to the demise of the late Davey Boy Smith, who seriously injured himself on the trap door installed in the ring by WCW for Warrior’s “grand” entrances (Bulldog was even reportedly unceremoniously fired during his time off while in hospital by that great human being Eric Bishchoff).
Here’s hoping no one at TNA takes this buffoon even half-serious. Let him wallow in the land of Warriorville, where he reigns as the all-powerful and omnipotent ruler of his own mind. Then again, Mr. Mal Occhio doubts he even has control over that.
Warrior-Goldberg, eh? Maybe at the next car show, shilling their overpriced autographs. Inside a wrestling ring, even a six-sided abomination like TNA uses, trying to get people to pay money to see it? That’s even more outlandish than someone legally changing their name to The Ultimate Warrior.
But no one we know could be that crazy, right?
Mr. Mal Occhio admits to liking the Ultimate Warrior in his initial WWF days. No one could run out to the ring and blow himself up before getting there quite like the Warrior. But seriously - he was cool for a time. Then again, so were parachute pants - and you don’t see them posting ridiculous commentaries pushing for their return, do you?
Sources:
http://www.ultimatewarrior.com/
http://www.lordsofpain.net/
http://www.billgoldberg.com/